Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Hate and pain a deadly combination that has been the ruin of many individuals unknowingly falling into the jaws of such a deep, black, inescapable tomb. For so long I found myself a victim of such imprisonment. When my brother took his own life just two years ago, I thought I would never again see the light of the world as I once had. Hate and pain. I hated him for leaving me, for leaving us, for not calling, for not telling us what was wrong. I felt guilty for hating him because he was gone. I hated myself for hating him, for not being there, for not calling, for not being there. Pain, why did I not see the pain he must have been feeling in order to do such a thing.  The pain only a big sister can feel of knowing he would never see his twentieth year, he would never be able to enjoy the pleasures of being young and reckless, and the pain of knowing people would never get to witness or experience the beautiful soul that was my baby brother.

                The light of the world has begun to shine through in unexpected shades of friendship, loyalties, space, and love. Bright yellows and deep blood reds are the shades of friendships undeserved for some time but never failing to provide a shoulder when the occasion arose. Florescent starlight always prepared to whisper good fortune in the name of sister. Black as night, but as beautiful as a steed racing through the wild such is ones space in a time of need. The explosion of a thousand fireworks at once, illuminating the night sky with hope, happiness, joy, and affection. Without the radiance of some very important people that deep, black, inescapable tomb would have swallowed my humanity. For them I am thankful. For him the heart aches for the simple words, “I love you sis.”

8 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you. I can't imagine the cocktail of emotions you must continue to feel, and will always carry with you in one way or another. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Thank you for this honest, raw glimpse into your broken heart.

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  2. Oh my goodness, Heather. As they should be. How does a person ever get over something like this? (I don't think you can... but friends and time can make the pain duller.)

    Your writing is so raw, so vivid, so powerful.

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  3. Heather,
    Your writing really touched me. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, that he can't say anymore, "I love you sis."
    Thank you for writing and sharing your heart. I won't forget you and your story.

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  4. Heather, Your pain comes through your words vividly. There is a saying… what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. It sounds like you have become stronger. Great pain breaks your heart right open to the beauty of life. Looking forward to reading more of your slices.

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  5. Heather, I'm glad I read this because I see you in a new light, a good one. No wonder you are so strong. You have gone through a lot and conquered a lot as well. When I was in high school, a teammate of mine also went through this. It was a sad time for so many of us, but it also made us all so strong. Sorry for your loss! You're shining quite brightly! :)

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  6. Wow, I cannot even imagine the pain that you have overcome and are continuing to overcome. You are such an amazing sister! I know you loved your brother well. Jesus see's you as a Jewel a bright and shining Gem in his kingdom. Have you ever seen Topaz? When God looks at you that is what he see's you are an amazing individual! You not those dark thoughts you are bright and shining!

    Check out this picture. This is a representation of you just the color and awesomeness that is inside of you!
    http://www.gemsquares.com/product_images/uploaded_images/imperial-topaz.jpg

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  7. Heather, you are so brave to write about what lies so deep within your heart. But, the light you see, and all the brilliant colors, too, are signs of hope. I wish you peace.

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  8. Thanks for sharing this. I too can relate to this, although he wasn't my family, I considered my friend to be one of my brothers. We grew up together, got into mischief, and had a lot of good times. Your post helped me bring back memories of him and certainly made me miss him more. Thank you:)

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